when the people you love the most don't clap for you anymore

I told my best friends I was giving a TED Talk and one said, "What's TED?"

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dear friend,

A few days ago, I told my best friends I’ll be giving a TED Talk this fall. I was SO excited as this has been a lifelong dream of mine. These were the first people I wanted to tell.

And one of them replied, “What’s a TED Talk?”

I stared at that text and thought, couldn’t she have Googled it? We both knew that she could. It would’ve taken her three seconds. Instead, she chose to dim the moment I shared, to press her thumb gently on my light. My excitement died immediately. Maybe she didn’t mean to do that.

Maybe it was an offhanded remark. But when you’ve climbed mountains for a win, when your heart is pounding with joy, those words kinda sting.

Subconsciously, she wanted to be cruel.

Another friend added, “I know what TED Talks are, but I’ve never watched one.”

This, my friend, is how friendships disappoint you. And I’ve called these people my best friends for nearly two decades.

Now, they don’t disappoint you in grand betrayals. Not in screaming matches or dramatic endings. We never fought, now that I think about it. No. It’s never something extreme. Because it’s in the shrug. The disinterest. The indifference. The lack of curiosity about one of the most significant things in your life.

“How did you land the TED Talk?” Not one of them asked that. “What is your talk going to be about?” Nope.

And when I asked if anyone would fly in, months later, not one said they would. “We’ll watch the video online…” And that was that. The conversation just ended.

It was then I realized that sometimes, friends just… don’t clap for you.

They let you down.

And it hurts. Deeply.

Because they were there before. At my graduation. Or what, was I at theirs?

When our dreams were still baby-breath soft, when our voices trembled with “What if I tried?”

They cheered for me then. Or maybe they didn’t. Maybe, in hindsight, they were always lukewarm, and I just didn’t want to see it. Either way, it’s jarring when you realize the people who once felt like forever, like soul mates you didn’t marry, are suddenly footnotes in your story.

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Why does this happen?

I believe it’s because I kept growing, and perhaps they have not.

If this is you, perhaps you’re living your dreams, and your unsupportive friends and family? They’re living in the status quo.

You grow, they plateau. You shift, they stay. You dream bigger, and they squint at your vision. It creates dissonance, a disconnect.

Sometimes, your growth is a mirror they don’t want to look into. It forces them to confront their stuckness or rut, their inertia. It makes them uncomfortable, and they deflect that discomfort right back at you, not with rage, but with silence, sarcasm, or worse: indifference.

Or in the case of my “best friends,” they diminished my moment. A TED Talk is huge, but to them, it’s something they don’t even know about or care to watch.

They didn’t say it, but their words told me, “It’s not that BIG of a deal, Kat.”

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So what do you do?

What do I do?

Well, these past few days, I’ve been grieving.

Not just our friendship, but the version of myself who needed it. I allowed the ache. I felt the sting when I realized people I loved don’t see me anymore.

And then, I took a deep breath. I moved on because not one of them followed up.

They didn’t clap for me, but when I posted about giving a TED Talk online, thousands cheered me on and clapped for me.

I realized it was time to surround myself with people who would not need to be convinced of my worth.

You too! People who say “Hell yes” before you finish your sentence. Who look at your wins and say, “Of course. I knew you would.” Who Google what they don’t know, so they can meet you where you are, without diminishing your light with dumb, dismissive questions and comments.

You remember: Not everyone gets a front-row seat in your life forever.

While some friends last forever, others are seasonal. Some are scaffolding; you lean on them while you build, and then they fall away. Some people don’t cheer because they don’t know how. Or they don’t want to.

And that’s not your fault. They probably don’t even cheer for themselves. They’re stuck, while you’re growing and glowing, and your light is too bright for them.

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And maybe—just maybe—one day, she’ll look up “TED Talk.”

Maybe that friend will realize she missed the moment. Perhaps she won’t. But by then, you’ll be too far along, standing in your spotlight, to need her applause.

Because the truth is: You don’t grow apart because you failed each other.
You grow apart because you grew.

And that, too, is something to celebrate.

Before I go, here’s a recipe for you: chocolate rice and chocolate rice pudding!!

katlieu

A post shared by @katlieu

🍫🍚Chocolate rice and chocolate rice pudding @katlieu

Ingredients:
• 2 cups uncooked short-grain rice
• 2 bars of unsweetened or semi-sweet chocolate
• A knob or 1 teaspoon of red or white miso
• Water (adjust according to your rice cooker’s instructions)
• Optional toppings: dried berries, nuts, honey, maple syrup, sweetened condensed milk, cocoa powder, whipped cream
Instructions:
For the Chocolate Rice:
1. Rinse the short-grain rice in a colander under cold water until the water runs clear.
2. Add the washed rice to your rice cooker bowl and fill it with the correct amount of water. For a 5.5-cup Zojirushi rice cooker, use the measuring cup provided and fill the water up to the corresponding water level for 2 cups of rice. Adjust the water level accordingly for your specific rice cooker. For sticky rice, fill the water to the Sticky/Sweet Rice marking in your rice cooker.
3. Break the chocolate bars into pieces and place them directly on top of the rice, along with a knob of red miso.
4. Start the cooking cycle on your rice cooker (use a mixed or standard cycle). Once the rice is done, fluff the rice with a rice paddle, mixing the melted chocolate and miso thoroughly into the rice.
5. Optional toppings: For extra sweetness, drizzle honey, maple syrup, or sweetened condensed milk over the rice. You can also mix in dried berries and nuts at this point.
For the Chocolate Rice Pudding:
1. Allow the cooked chocolate rice to cool down.
2. Take about 1 cup of the cooled chocolate rice and blend it with 1/2 cup of coconut milk or warm water until smooth. Add sweetener (honey, maple syrup, or sugar) to taste, and blend again until there are no remaining rice chunks. If the mixture is too thick, add more liquid to reach your desired consistency.
3. Pour the blended mixture into ramekins or your chosen serveware. Refrigerate for a few hours, or overnight, to let it set.
4. Before serving, dust the pudding with cocoa powder and top with your favorite toppings like whipped cream or berries.

xoxoxo, Kat Lieu

“One day, I will be the Asian Julia Child…”- Kat Lieu <3 And you are paving the path for me to achieve this dream, dear friend <3